14 Apr Why Performance Conversations Feel So Hard (Even the Positive Ones)

Posted at 14:34h in Article, Management, OD Cafes by

There’s something that keeps coming up in workshops, across different teams, levels, and organisations. It’s not just that managers struggle with difficult conversations. It’s that they struggle with all performance conversations. Even the positive ones.

“I don’t always know how to tell someone they’re doing a great job.” “I overthink it.” “I don’t want it to sound fake.” And then, of course, the harder side: “How do I give tough feedback without demotivating them?” “How do I stay kind, but still be honest?” “What if I get it wrong?”

This is harder than we admit

We often talk about performance management as if it’s a process: Set goals then track progress then review performance. But in reality, it lives in conversations. And those conversations require: courage, skills, judgement and practice.

Because you’re constantly balancing tensions like:

  • Being honest and being kind
  • Holding a standard and building confidence
  • Motivating someone without avoiding the truth
  • Growing performance without breaking the person

That’s not just a system problem. It’s a human capability problem. When we avoid it… this is what happens. On the other side of this, we hear a very different frustration from employees:

“I only hear about my performance once a year.” “My rating was a complete surprise.” “If I had known earlier, I would have done something about it.”

An entire year goes by where performance conversations could have happened but didn’t. And then everything lands in one moment, often tied to ratings, bonuses, and expectations. By then, it’s too late to improve anything.

So what’s really going on? From what we’re seeing, it’s not that managers don’t care.

It’s that:

  • These conversations feel risky
  • They’re not sure how to do them well
  • And the system doesn’t help in the moment it matters

So they wait, they soften, they avoid, until they can’t anymore.

This is where the real work sits

This is exactly why we built this into our leadership and practical management programmes.

Not as a “feedback model” or a script, but as a capability:

  • How to hold the conversation in real time
  • How to stay clear and kind at the same time
  • How to build performance through the interaction, not just measure it afterwards

Because without that even the best system won’t land.

We’ll be exploring this much more deeply in our next Conversation Café in May, where we’ll unpack what managing performance and accountability really looks like in practice.

But for now — I’m curious:

  • If you’re a manager: what part of these conversations do you find hardest?
  • If you’re on the receiving end: have you ever been surprised by a performance rating?

Where is this breaking down in your organisation?

Written by: Liezel van Arkel

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